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gwaevalarin
I'm saying that I'm just incredibly... human (5x21)
When Castiel comes back after his sacrifice for Dean things have changed immensely for him. It's hard to say what exactly happened to him aside from: He banished himself together with the angels who guarded the green room, was found unconscious on a fishing boat and woke up in a hospital.
"Are you okay?"
"No."
[...]
"I'm saying that I'm just incredibly..."
"Human."
He's not completely human, obviously, or he wouldn't have recovered that quickly, or at all for that matter, when the doctor thought he was brain dead. He'll also never be completely human in the sense, that being an angel is something so fundamentally him. So instead of saying he's human I'd rather say he's an angel bound to human form and with virtually no angelic powers left. Which, if you ask me, sounds a lot worse than "human".
It's everybody's guess how he lost his remaining powers. If Heaven stripped him of them for turning against them again. Or if - and that's my personal take - his latest sacrifice didn't only mean banishing himself but, with the sigil carved into his own body, it ripped out what was left of his Grace. Either way, Castiel is fallen now. And it comes with basic human needs, a whole bunch of other issues Cas never had to face before, and pain, physical as well as emotional.
When he tells Dean that he can't just zap over to them it's so painfully mirrors the scene when he tells Dean he's "human" in the future. There's a hint of that same bitterness and once again it looks like Castiel cannot escape this future. But Castiel doesn't know of that future and right now he is still willing to try and deal with the situation as best as he can. He also has something to believe in again:
It's an odd apology, so very Castiel, but it is an honest one and it is so very clear what he means and what it means to him. He's felt let down by Dean so often but this time Dean lived up to his expectations, exceeded them. Castiel has lost a lot, over time and through his last sacrifice for Dean. But this time it was worth it. This time he got something back, the only thing he every asked for, Dean doing the right thing.
Castiel has to take the slow, human path to get back to the boys. But he still makes it just in time... to find out that he has not much to meet Pestilence's powers. It overwhelms him everyone else. In his very soul, however, he is still an angel and he's still willing to fight and give everything to help Dean. And that's enough to gather the strength to cut off Pesilence's ring. Castiel is used to his powers and he hates not having them. But, essentially, he doesn't need them to fight his fight. What he needs is something to believe in, something that's truly worth fighting for. That's what makes him who he is and that's what keeps him going.
Castiel, of course, isn't really aware of that. He's suffering from being without his angelic mojo. He finds those small moments that are worth fighting for but in the big picture it all feels pretty vain and dark and meaningless to him. And I'm sure the boys once again not even thanking him for cutting off the ring and saving them is not helping. He's staying in the background as always, observing, throwing in a more or less helpful comment once in a while.
"I don't understand your definition of good news."
He's pretty much ignored by everyone else probably wondering if anyone would even notice if he left. Which of course he won't. He won't leave Dean and, oh yeah, he has nowhere else to go anyway.
Castiel seems to be hardly listening through most of the conversation even though I'm sure he's actually pondering every single word that's being said. But the moment Crowley appears he's on alert. It's like an instinct kicking in the face of potential danger. He's still staying the background, almost invisible but fully aware of everything that's going on around him and ready to interfere should it becomes necessary.
All episode, Castiel is suffering silently when he really, desperately needs something to talk to. Bobby is not really the best choice considering they're still not on the best of terms after Castiel wasn't able to heal him. Of course, he will continue fighting by the boys' side without complaint but he is starting to realise that fighting by their side is the only time he really feels like part of the team. They're too busy with themselves to care about what Cas is going through. How big and scary this is for him. They've started to take him for granted, their heavenly help who turns up when they need him and who never asks for anything in return.
I think this is also, at least partly, where the new found friendship between Castiel an Sam comes from. After all, Sam is the one Winchester known to talk about his worries and feelings and even though we haven't seen the two of them have any long, chick-flick, late-night talks I'm sure Castiel is starting to appreciate that Sam would be willing to listen. Just like Castiel is now willing to give Sam all the information and help he can to fight Lucifer not only because Sam is their only hope but because he is Sam and Castiel cares and wants to help him get through this the best he can. He's also using the same softer and kinder voice that was originally reserved for Dean alone.
"Yes to Lucifer. Then jump in the hole. It's an interesting plan."
"So go ahead and tell me it's the worst plan you've ever heard."
"Of course, I am happy to say that if that's what you wanna hear. But it's not what I think."
Castiel has learned to trust and believe in Sam whatever Heaven may think about him and whatever his "destiny" may be. And he knows that the most important thing Sam will need if he's to succeed against Lucifer, is support and reassurance. And all the information Castiel can give him so Sam really understands what he's up against and what it will take.
The way Castiel fights when he has no powers, when there's just him, Castiel, not as an angel but as a person, makes you wonder how he can ever feel useless. I wish someone would take a moment to tell him how helpful and kick-ass and amazing he is and how screwed the Winchesters, and therefore the whole world, would be in this Apocalypse without him, his compassion, his knowledge, his experience and his will power.
What would you rather have? Peace or freedom? (5x22)
And here it is, the final fight. The one no one in Team Free Will can expect to survive. And Castiel is right in the middle of it, offering everything he has to give. Helping wherever he can, even if it's bottling demon blood. And at the same time he's struggling with the exhaustion quasi-humanity brings but you won't see him complaining.
Despite what he said to Sam and despite how high he thinks of Sam by now, he doesn't have much hope that they can win this fight. But he won't give up as long as there's just one desperate plan left they haven't tried. If he goes down, he'll go down fighting. The sad thing is that the going down part will probably be a relieve.
He's watching his chosen family, the family he has only just found. And he knows he's going to lose them and - even worse - they are going to lose each other. Even if they win, even if they save the world, the price is going to more more than they can take. Castiel knows that if Sam jumps into the hole, he will suffer in Hell forever and it is going to tear Dean apart. And it breaks his heart.
"Take care of these guys, okay?"
"That's not possible."
Castiel believes that Sam deserves honesty. And when Sam asks him to lie - when really, what's the point when they'll both know it's a lie - he tries to turn it into a joke, but it falls flat. Castiel knows he doesn't have joking down very well but he doesn't really know how else to react. He can't lie to Sam in this situation, he just can't. And it's a little sad that Sam can't take his honesty for what it is, a sign of Castiel's friendship and respect for him.
And then Sam leaves with Dean to say yes and there's nothing else Castiel can do any more. He can only wait and hope. Her can't even pray, having no one left to pray to.
When Dean comes back to tell them that the plan went wrong, Castiel is ready to give up. He knows Lucifer, he knows how strong his big brother is and he knows there is nothing they can do. He lets Dean rage at him and insult him. Sure, it hurts but he knows where it's coming from and that it doesn't really have much to do with him but with how desperate Dean is. But Castiel has nothing to comfort him. They've run out of options. They've lost and - even though there's nothing he could have done differently - Castiel feels like, this time, he let Dean down. He can't help Dean or the world. He has failed and that's that.
"I'm sorry, Dean. This is over."
I think it says a lot about Castiel's love for humanity that it affects him so much. I believe it's the first time that we actually see Cas with tears in his eyes. His own life doesn't matter, he has been prepared to die for a long time. But now he'll die for nothing, knowing that millions of people will suffer and die with him, that Dean will either die or be too broken to live on. Because he wasn't able to help stop his brothers. Castiel is still convinced that Michael is going to win the fight, that the result will be heaven on earth. But that is no consolation, whatsoever.
"I just want you to understand, the only thing that you're gonna see out there is Michael killing your brother."
Even with no hope left, Castiel won't leave Dean's side. And he's trying his best to spare Dean as much pain as he can. That's not much but it's all Castiel can still do. But when Dean insists that with everything lost he will at least be by Sam's side, Castiel understands. He understands because he would do the same for Dean, at least be there in the end. And that's why he lets Dean go. And I believe that's when he also realises that as long as Dean won't give up, he won't either. If he can give Dean just a spark of hope, just a moment with whatever may be left of his brother, than that is worth dying for.
Again, Casiel sacrifices himself for Dean and is rewarded for it. He's brought back, his powers restored as well as his faith. He is convinced that it was God who brought him back. I don't think he ever really lost his faith, it was just buried deep and out of reach and save until God gave Castiel reason to embrace it again.
When Castiel returns to Dean you can almost see his Grace glow bright, much brighter than it did even back in that barn when they first met. He's more angel than he ever was before but not in the same way he was back then. Castiel has come a long way. In the time he spend on earth he's learned about humanity, about pain and suffering, about shades of grey, about emotions and love and true friendship. The angel that stepped into Dean's life two years ago cared because he was ordered to care. The angel that comes back to him now cares because he believes that humanity is worth caring.
"Cas, are you God?"
"That's a nice compliment, but no."
Castiel would probably have considered this blasphemy once but now he sees it for what it is, Dean's gratefulness to and faith in him. You can also see where Dean's question is coming from with the serenity and kindness Castiel radiates, a kindness he didn't have before he met Dean.
Castiel and Dean have a last conversation in the car. And Castiel understands that Dean is angry but he also knows that it was Dean's own choice. The world is not fair. If they wanted a world that is "fair" and without pain, they could have let Michael and Lucifer fight it out and waited for paradise on earth. But giving up on pain also means giving up on hope and freedom and, in that moment, Castiel may understand that better than Dean.
"I don't know what God wants. I don't know if he'll even return. It just - it seems like the right thing to do."
[...]
"You got what you asked for, Dean. No paradise. No hell. Just more of the same. I mean it, Dean. What would you rather have? Peace or freedom?"
And then he leaves to return to Heaven and can you really blame him? Yes, they let him down and betrayed him over and over but it is his family and they need him now. He can do something, he can change things up there. He can help them understand and turn Heaven into a better place. Dean, on the other hand, there is nothing he can do for him right now. He can't take his pain away, he can't bring Sam back.
But even though Castiel leaves, I'm sure he will never abandon Dean. No matter how busy Heaven will keep him, he'll always have one eye on Dean to make sure that this human he cares more about than anyone else is doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances. Which, granted, isn't very well. But Castiel has faith that Dean will make it through somehow.
And then he's gone and I have to agree with Chuck, endings are hard. I've written so long on this that I feel like I should end it with something deep and meaningful. But I'm afraid this will have to do: Two years ago we met an angel who was all about destiny and following orders. He has come a long way since then to become a man and angel who is all about hope, making your own choice and doing the right thing. And if that isn't a story worth telling, I don't know what is.
Screencaps from Misha-Collins.Net
