![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwaevalarinIf you are looking for in depth analyses and theories this is not the place today. Today you get semi-coherent rambling about Spencer and the amount of feels this episode gave me.
All the awards to Troian for her heartbreaking, raw and so very believable performance. I don't approve of everything Spencer does in this episode, but I could relate to every single moment, every emotion, every outburst.
Spencer is on the verge a breakdown, barely holding it together, but still trying to keep what she has found out from everyone. Because she still loves Toby, of course she does, those feelings don't just go away no matter how betrayed she feels, and because telling the other girls, saying it out loud would make it true.
So she tries to pretend that nothing has happened, and fails miserably. Every problem the other girls bring to her, try to talk to her about, seems unimportant and annoying because she is hurting so bad, and no one is there for here, because no one knows she needs someone to be there for her. Spencer knows that, she doesn't actually blame her friends, not at all. And she may be the most rational of the group under normal circumstances, but this time her emotions control her.
And if they knew? How much time would they actually spend soothing her, and how much trying to find out more and plotting against Toby? And wow, wouldn't that make it even more unbearable?
So Spencer keeps quiet, even though she knows she shouldn't because this is important and it affects them all. Instead she lashes out in her pain, and pushes her friends away when she needs them most. She can't help it. Nothing makes sense anymore, and nothing else feels important. Not the stupid study group, not the note book.
And when she finally can't keep it together anymore, she tells Emily that he and Toby broke up, but she still can't bring herself to tell Emily the whole truth. She keeps it a secret, probably the biggest one any of the girls have kept yet. Whether it is to protect herself, or Toby, or both of them, or something else entirely... I'm pretty sure she doesn't know herself. She just knows that she is not ready to fully face this.
And then there is the text from "Aria" about how Ezra broke up with her over the secret Aria kept, and she completely overreacts. That Ezra has no idea what she is talking about doesn't even make that much of a difference. She just has to get it all out, and a very confused Ezra is the one who gets it thrown into his face.
When Aria confronts her Spencer again can't help but defend Toby, and blame herself. Even with Mona, A was always more of an abstract concept, now A has a face, and it is the face of the person she loves more than anyone.
I think she knows that this makes no sense, rationally, but somehow Spencer feels that losing Toby, losing the best thing and the most trustworthy part of her life, can only mean that she deserves it, that she kept too many secrets, that she must have let him down somehow, because why else would Toby, TOBY turn on her like that.
That she still realises that she was in the wrong when talking to Ezra, even though she didn't know the text wasn't from Aria, is part of why Spencer is my favourite character. And if Aria knew the whole truth, I think she'd understand Spencer's reaction where she acknowledges her fault but just can't deal with it right now. But Aria doesn't know, so Spencer's reaction looks mean and selfish and just plain weird to her, proving once again that this may be the most dangerous secret yet, because it's so, so personal.
Way to play with or expectations when Spencer sends the texts, and then sits in the car crying while she tries to apply make-up. You all thought she was meeting up with Toby, don't lie. But she doesn't, she meets with a private investigator, and I honestly don't know if this was the right or wrong thing to do. Rationally it was probably the smarter thing, considering what we know A is capable of - though I doubt Spencer based this decision on rational considerations - emotionally... it broke my heart even more.
In the end, when she rips up the picture, I think it is very telling that she destroys her own part. Obviously, that's the only part she can destroy, but still: Spencer blames herself. It's easier than blaming Toby. It's easier than believing that he has truly betrayed her like that. It's easier than thinking about the fact that she has just put an private investigator on him with no idea what he will reveal. She still wants to believe that it's not what it seems, but she is starting to lose hope, and she is scared to death of what she may find out. Poor Spencer. There was never any doubt that she loves Toby deeply, and it has never been more obvious just how much than it is now when everything is falling apart.
Now I really want to know how Toby is taking it. I think there is a reason we haven't seen him this episode, flashbacks aside. Seeing him would probably give us a pretty definite answer one way or another. And even if that answer were that he never loved Spencer at all - which is something I absolutely don't believe - then at least we'd know and could start to adapt. But we are left with our doubts, just like Spencer. And those doubts are probably the worst part.
All the awards to Troian for her heartbreaking, raw and so very believable performance. I don't approve of everything Spencer does in this episode, but I could relate to every single moment, every emotion, every outburst.
Spencer is on the verge a breakdown, barely holding it together, but still trying to keep what she has found out from everyone. Because she still loves Toby, of course she does, those feelings don't just go away no matter how betrayed she feels, and because telling the other girls, saying it out loud would make it true.
So she tries to pretend that nothing has happened, and fails miserably. Every problem the other girls bring to her, try to talk to her about, seems unimportant and annoying because she is hurting so bad, and no one is there for here, because no one knows she needs someone to be there for her. Spencer knows that, she doesn't actually blame her friends, not at all. And she may be the most rational of the group under normal circumstances, but this time her emotions control her.
And if they knew? How much time would they actually spend soothing her, and how much trying to find out more and plotting against Toby? And wow, wouldn't that make it even more unbearable?
So Spencer keeps quiet, even though she knows she shouldn't because this is important and it affects them all. Instead she lashes out in her pain, and pushes her friends away when she needs them most. She can't help it. Nothing makes sense anymore, and nothing else feels important. Not the stupid study group, not the note book.
And when she finally can't keep it together anymore, she tells Emily that he and Toby broke up, but she still can't bring herself to tell Emily the whole truth. She keeps it a secret, probably the biggest one any of the girls have kept yet. Whether it is to protect herself, or Toby, or both of them, or something else entirely... I'm pretty sure she doesn't know herself. She just knows that she is not ready to fully face this.
And then there is the text from "Aria" about how Ezra broke up with her over the secret Aria kept, and she completely overreacts. That Ezra has no idea what she is talking about doesn't even make that much of a difference. She just has to get it all out, and a very confused Ezra is the one who gets it thrown into his face.
When Aria confronts her Spencer again can't help but defend Toby, and blame herself. Even with Mona, A was always more of an abstract concept, now A has a face, and it is the face of the person she loves more than anyone.
I think she knows that this makes no sense, rationally, but somehow Spencer feels that losing Toby, losing the best thing and the most trustworthy part of her life, can only mean that she deserves it, that she kept too many secrets, that she must have let him down somehow, because why else would Toby, TOBY turn on her like that.
That she still realises that she was in the wrong when talking to Ezra, even though she didn't know the text wasn't from Aria, is part of why Spencer is my favourite character. And if Aria knew the whole truth, I think she'd understand Spencer's reaction where she acknowledges her fault but just can't deal with it right now. But Aria doesn't know, so Spencer's reaction looks mean and selfish and just plain weird to her, proving once again that this may be the most dangerous secret yet, because it's so, so personal.
Way to play with or expectations when Spencer sends the texts, and then sits in the car crying while she tries to apply make-up. You all thought she was meeting up with Toby, don't lie. But she doesn't, she meets with a private investigator, and I honestly don't know if this was the right or wrong thing to do. Rationally it was probably the smarter thing, considering what we know A is capable of - though I doubt Spencer based this decision on rational considerations - emotionally... it broke my heart even more.
In the end, when she rips up the picture, I think it is very telling that she destroys her own part. Obviously, that's the only part she can destroy, but still: Spencer blames herself. It's easier than blaming Toby. It's easier than believing that he has truly betrayed her like that. It's easier than thinking about the fact that she has just put an private investigator on him with no idea what he will reveal. She still wants to believe that it's not what it seems, but she is starting to lose hope, and she is scared to death of what she may find out. Poor Spencer. There was never any doubt that she loves Toby deeply, and it has never been more obvious just how much than it is now when everything is falling apart.
Now I really want to know how Toby is taking it. I think there is a reason we haven't seen him this episode, flashbacks aside. Seeing him would probably give us a pretty definite answer one way or another. And even if that answer were that he never loved Spencer at all - which is something I absolutely don't believe - then at least we'd know and could start to adapt. But we are left with our doubts, just like Spencer. And those doubts are probably the worst part.
