Castiel - Between Heaven and Earth (Part 3)

[gwaevalarin]

You're different (4x15)

This time it's Castiel's turn to save Dean


"What the hell?"
"Guess again."

He glows with happiness and pride. The emotionless, calm, angelic version of it anyway. He's even making a joke. And all of it because Dean an Sam - looks like he's starting to include Sam - managed to save a seal. A so, so important seal. And, as a bonus, the angels got Alastair. That calls for a celebration. But then Dean has to go and ruin the mood.


"No thanks to you."
"What makes you say that?"

That's curiosity rather than anger, confused head tilt included. Dean questioning him yet again makes him sad. Castiel thought they had been working so well together on this one and that he had made up for the whole Anna episode. And with the explanation why he couldn't interfere he almost convinces Dean. But then he brings up the part that Dean does not like at all. Castiel recruited the Winchester boys by manipulating them instead of just, you know, communicating. That's not exactly helping with regaining Dean's trust. Castiel had his reasons and things were a little urgent but that's no excuse. And the way Castiel looks away he knows that perfectly well.


"If you wanted our help, why the hell didn't you just ask?"
"Because whatever I ask you seem to do the exact opposite."

Yes, Castiel knows that pretending to be Bobby wasn't the most trust-building thing to do but Dean's behaviour isn't helping either. It's frustrating Cas that Dean isn't just disrespectful and has his own mind, he seems to make things as difficult for Castiel as he possibly can while Castiel is trying his best to meet Dean halfway - or at least take a tiny step towards Dean.
Dean doesn't really react to the accusations but Castiel has spoken his mind, Dean has listened and for Castiel that's good enough for now. After all, it's Dean and Castiel will let him get away with a lot more than he would any other human.

"You made an excpetion for me."
You're different."

Of course Dean is different because "God" commanded to save him from hell. But Castiel means more than that. He also means it on a more personal level. Not only did the angels make an exception for Dean, but Castiel is making exceptions for Dean all over the place - at least as long as they don't contradict his orders too much. And Dean catches that without really knowing what to make of it.


I'm considering disobedience (4x16)


"Goodbye sister."

When Castiel arrives to pay his last respects to his sister I wonder if he was too late ot if he didn't/couldn't try to save her. Either way it seems like he's the only one who even cares. And Castiel does care. In this silent little moment alone with his deceased sister he allows himself a moment of grief for another life lost in this war.

In the next scene Dean says that he's tired of burying friends. I think the same thing goes for Cas. When he waits with Uriel for Sam and Dean to return he looks like he hasn't fully recovered yet. And when Dean starts throwing verbal punches at them once again he only answers with a sad and tired look and lets Uriel do most of the talking not only because Uriel was promoted and is now his superior but even more because of the death of seven angels and the assignment they have for Dean.
Only when it comes to telling Dean about that does Castiel step forward. Because this is something that - if he can't spare him the burden - he'll at least be the one to tell Dean. As gentle as possible.


"This is too much to ask, I know. But we have to ask it."

Cas sounds almost defeated. I wonder how long it took his superiors to convince him to do this and I suppose that was the moment when they gave the reigns to Uriel. Castiel, as well, needs to know why his brothers and sisters had to die. But if he could freely decide, I don't think he'd ask this of Dean. He'd swallow the pain and the urge to know just so Dean doesn't even have to think about going down that path. Once again Castiel is torn between his orders and his family on the one hand and Dean on the other. And after Uriel has left he is painfully honest about this.


"My superiors began to question my sympathies."
"Sympathies?"
"I was getting too close to the humans in my charge. You. They feel I've begun to express emotions. Doorways to doubt. It's gonna impair my judgement."
[...]
"For what it's worth. I' give anything not to have you do this.

A little part of him still tries to be the good little soldier, repeating his orders like that's going to make a difference to Dean or himself. But the bigger part of him has stopped fighting the doubts. He doesn't even deny that his superiors are right. And it's probably this honesty and, in particular, this last sentence, that gets Dean to agree. It's not only Castiel who's getting close to Dean but just as much the other way round. Dean wouldn't do this for anyone else (aside from Sam, of course). But he is doing it for Cas who still asks him even though it hurts the angel just as much as it hurts Dean. And this shows Dean how important this is.

Castiel won't leave. He can't do much but he will still stay outside as close by Dean's side as he possibly can listening to Dean slowly breaking. If Dean has to get through this he will bear the pain with him. Until he can hardly take it anymore. And even then he stays and it looks like it takes all his willpower to keep the pain under control.
Anna shows up maybe sensing what's happening, sensing that Castiel - who can't even look at her - needs her. She shows up for him just as much as she shows up for Dean. And there it is again this way-more-than-subtext that they do have a history.


"You shouldn't be here. We still have orders to kill you."

Castiel has an odd way of telling Anna that he's glad she came. She's probably the only person who knows what he's going through right now. He's still trying not to show it but he can't fool Anna for a second. She's only saying what he's thinking but there's this part of him again that desperately wants to fight the doubts. He's so close to giving in but he's still way too scared to take the last step. The more Anna pushes him the more he wants to admit what he really feels but whenever he's at the brink he shy's back and starts fighting it with everything he has. Castiel just isn't ready yet.



He wants to fall, he really does. But he can't. It's too confusing and terrifying. And the only way to keep it together at this point is to channel all his doubts and emotions into anger.


"Together? I am nothing like you. You fell. Go."

When Alastair escapes, however, and Castiel realises Dean is in trouble - which takes him quite a while - there is no doubt or hesitation. He's by Dean's side in an instant risking his life for Dean. And if Sam hadn't turned up he'd at least lost his vessel which would have been a shame. Fighting demons isn't exactly Castiel's strong point.



I don't think Castiel can really decide if he should be grateful and impressed or worried by Sam. Just like he doesn't know what to make of Alastair telling them that Lilith and her demons had nothing to do with killing the angels.

When he later talks to Sam in the hospital he is sorry but slightly preoccupied as well. In the back of his mind he's already putting the pieces together but the picture that's starting to form is too outragous to believe. But at the same time it's so persistent that he talks to Uriel about it even though he knows how dangerously close to blasphemy he is.


"We are failing, Uriel. We are losing the war. Perhaps the garrison being punished."
"You think our father would..."
"I think maybe our father isn't giving the orders any more. Maybe there is something wrong."

Castiel, the most faithful angel in heaven. In all his doubt and confusion there's one thing he refuses to doubt: his father.
Uriel isn't much help so Castiel goes to the only person who he knows will understand: Anna. Begging her to help him.


"I'm considering disobedience."
"Good."
"No, it isn't. For the first time I feel."

I like how he says that he's considering disobedience like it's something that he's thought long and hard about and come to the logical conclusion that he should try it instead of something that's been raging inside him for months. And he can't deny it any more. Those feelings, they won't go away, no matter how hard he wills them to.


"Anna. I don't know what to do. Please tell me what to do."

Cas is kind of missing the whole point of free will here. But then remembers the pieces of the puzzle and the picture they were staring to form and for the first time he really goes for it. He lets his own thoughts guide him back to the leaky pipe and Uriel. Trusting his instincts that get him to the right conclusion. Of course it's still a shock that another angel could ever be capable of killing his brothers.

I think Castiel might have taken the last step right over the brink in this episode if it wasn't for Uriel. If this is disobedience then it's no option for Castiel. This is so entirely and clearly wrong that Castiel forgets how he could ever, for a single moment, consider it himself. Of course he fails to see that there are different ways to disobey and just because Uriel's feels wrong doesn't mean that his own is as well. But for a moment things seem crystal clear again. Right and wrong have a definition he understands and he can and will fight the wrong.


"All you have to do is be unafraid."
"For the first time in a long time, I am."
[...]
"You can't win Uriel. I still serve God."

Of course, Anna saving him and killing Uriel, Anna who's rebelled as well, doesn't exactly fit into this little scheme of newly found right and wrong but Castiel can fool himself again, for a little longer, that maybe he doesn't have these doubts, or that at least his doubts weren't a path to disobedience but only to uncovering Uriel's plans. Still, when he looks at Anna he looks so young and lost.

But for now he can just go back to the one thing that always feels right: Taking care of Dean. So much for not perching on his shoulder. He's not lying to Dean about the first seal. But he's as gentle as he can and trying to take most of the blame himself just to take a little bit of it off Dean's shoulders. And because he has learned to be a little bit more critical about his own and heaven's actions.



It's not blame that falls on you, Dean. It's fate."

Telling Dean that he's the one who has to end the apocalypse just like he's the one who started it is probably supposed to be reassuring. But at the same time Castiel knows that it won't be. That it's just more weight he's putting on Dean's shoulders. And he wants to take it away, he really does. He'd do anything but there's nothing he can do. This won't be the last time that he sees Dean break feeling completely helpless. And it's not the last time this breaks my heart just as much as Dean's breakdown does.

Part 2 / Masterpost / Part 4

All screencaps from Misha-Collins.Net

Comments

[shaitanah.livejournal.com]

Oh, I love these eps. 4x16 was incredibly gut-wrenching as far as I remember! If anything, it made me love Cas even more. <333

[gwaevalarin.livejournal.com]

Me too. And it was incredibly hard to write about this episode because there's just so freaking much going on and I'm afraid I couldn't capture half of it.

[dark-austral.livejournal.com]

"For the first time in a long time, I am"

I don't know what it is about this line, if it's the wording or how Misha said it, but it's one of my favorite lines from him. It makes you realize, like you were pointing out, that he's been dealing with these conflicting emotions for awhile. That and a 'long time' for him might not be in the same sense as ours and hints at that weary soldier in him. But there's that determination and goodness still in him. And I cheered for him :)

[gwaevalarin.livejournal.com]

You're right. The sentence does stand out. The way Misha says it gives it so much weight and importance. And a 'long time' for Castiel is probably way longer than a human can even imagine.
I think Castiel always had a very clear sense of right and wrong. What he had to learn is to listen to it.