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gwaevalarinJust a little something I wrote this morning because I couldn't get THAT scene out of my head.
His biggest strength and biggest weakness
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
gwaevalarin
Fandom: Supernatural
Characters: Dean
Disclaimer: Supernatural belongs to Eric Kripke.
Notes/Warning: angst, torture but nothing graphic, unbeta'd
Spoiler: up to 4x10
Summary: How Dean broke
You can’t picture torture in hell like torture on earth. Knives and flesh and blood and screams, that’s fun enough when it comes to the living. But in hell demons have whole other means. Torturing flesh doesn’t even compare to torturing soul.
They take everyone you ever cared about and either rip them from you.
Mom.
Or turn them against you.
Dad.
They can make you believe that everything they put you through is real.
Bobby, Pastor Jim.
Because it is.
Ellen, Jo.
There’s no one they won’t find.
Lisa, Ben.
There’s no one they’ll spare.
Sam.
When they turned Sam against him, that was the easy part. Making him believe that Sam was standing over him, cruel smile on his face, his eyes sparkling yellow. Blood on his hands. His blood and blood of the innocent. But all Dean needed to do was forgive his little brother. And that was something he could do. Deep down he’d forgive Sam anything.
But when they started taking Sam from him, when they reached into his soul ripping out every single memory, every feeling of love, pride and protective instinct he had for Sam... Can you imagine what forgetting is like when you have your memories torn apart while you’re holding onto them?
But there was this one picture of his brother, this one memory, this one feeling and he buried it deep. And he spent all the energy he had left protecting it. Keeping it safe. It was his little light of hope and when there was nothing else left of him it still shone. A faint glimmer. For 30 years it gave him the strength to bear hell. For 30 years it gave him the strength to turn Alistair down. Until one day Alistair reached down deep, deeper than ever before, deeper than Dean had thought was possible. He smiled. And then he ripped out this one picture, this one memory, this one feeling and crushed it before Dean’s eyes. And without even remembering what it was he had lost Dean begged and screamed and promised to do anything if he just got it back.
He never found pleasure in torturing other souls. But he didn’t feel sorry either. The concept of sympathy wasn’t much more than a distant memory. And even though he knew that Alistair would never keep his promise and give him back whatever it was he had taken from him, Dean went on. Torturing. Butchering. Tearing souls apart. And after 37 years in hell he started to forget why. He did it because he’d always done it.
Until one day he was suddenly grabbed and dragged out of hell. And with leaving hell his soul put itself back together. Memories and feelings crushed down, blinding him. And he couldn’t even scream. Instinctively he rached deep, looking for this one memory that he knew was there. That had always been there. But he couldn’t find it.
His biggest strength and biggest weakness
Author:
gwaevalarinFandom: Supernatural
Characters: Dean
Disclaimer: Supernatural belongs to Eric Kripke.
Notes/Warning: angst, torture but nothing graphic, unbeta'd
Spoiler: up to 4x10
Summary: How Dean broke
You can’t picture torture in hell like torture on earth. Knives and flesh and blood and screams, that’s fun enough when it comes to the living. But in hell demons have whole other means. Torturing flesh doesn’t even compare to torturing soul.
They take everyone you ever cared about and either rip them from you.
Mom.
Or turn them against you.
Dad.
They can make you believe that everything they put you through is real.
Bobby, Pastor Jim.
Because it is.
Ellen, Jo.
There’s no one they won’t find.
Lisa, Ben.
There’s no one they’ll spare.
Sam.
When they turned Sam against him, that was the easy part. Making him believe that Sam was standing over him, cruel smile on his face, his eyes sparkling yellow. Blood on his hands. His blood and blood of the innocent. But all Dean needed to do was forgive his little brother. And that was something he could do. Deep down he’d forgive Sam anything.
But when they started taking Sam from him, when they reached into his soul ripping out every single memory, every feeling of love, pride and protective instinct he had for Sam... Can you imagine what forgetting is like when you have your memories torn apart while you’re holding onto them?
But there was this one picture of his brother, this one memory, this one feeling and he buried it deep. And he spent all the energy he had left protecting it. Keeping it safe. It was his little light of hope and when there was nothing else left of him it still shone. A faint glimmer. For 30 years it gave him the strength to bear hell. For 30 years it gave him the strength to turn Alistair down. Until one day Alistair reached down deep, deeper than ever before, deeper than Dean had thought was possible. He smiled. And then he ripped out this one picture, this one memory, this one feeling and crushed it before Dean’s eyes. And without even remembering what it was he had lost Dean begged and screamed and promised to do anything if he just got it back.
He never found pleasure in torturing other souls. But he didn’t feel sorry either. The concept of sympathy wasn’t much more than a distant memory. And even though he knew that Alistair would never keep his promise and give him back whatever it was he had taken from him, Dean went on. Torturing. Butchering. Tearing souls apart. And after 37 years in hell he started to forget why. He did it because he’d always done it.
Until one day he was suddenly grabbed and dragged out of hell. And with leaving hell his soul put itself back together. Memories and feelings crushed down, blinding him. And he couldn’t even scream. Instinctively he rached deep, looking for this one memory that he knew was there. That had always been there. But he couldn’t find it.
